Just Smile

MIRANDA..........Alack, what trouble
was I then to you!

PROSPERO........O, a cherubin
Thou wast that did preserve me. Thou didst smile.
Infused with a fortitude from heaven,
When I have decked the sea with drops full salt,
Under my burden groaned, which raised in me
An undergoing stomach to bear up
Against what should ensue.
-- The Tempest

I found some interesting statistics on smiles once.  The source claimed that the average woman smiles 62 times a day and the average man smiles 8 times a day.  I think that both of these numbers are just kind of sad, especially considering the amount of the day that both men and women spend awake.  I mean, let us just say that a person gets the normal 8 hours of sleep a night.  That leaves 16 hours of a day where that same person is engaging in conscious activities...16 hours seems like a long time to smile only 8 (or even 62) times.

 There are so many insanely hilarious things that happen in life.  I have almost 23 years worth of anecdotal proof that when life happens so does smiling.  I've had something silly or embarrassing happening to me almost every day, either that or I've attempted to say something hilarious.  For instance, this past weekend I spend with my friend Brenda, and there was one night where, in an exhausted stupor, we ran through the entire globe of accents.  If she didn't have one then I did.  I think one of the only accents neither of us could do was any African accent--sorry Africa >_<

One thing a lot of people have noticed about me is that I tend to compensate with humor.  If I feel uncomfortable, bored, or upset about something, I tend to make whatever is making me feel however I am feeling into a joke.  One recent example would be dealing with my parent's divorce.  The Sunday after I learned that it was happening I broke the news to my roomate Christina in this way: "So...funny story..."

It kind of reminds me of that part in Mel Brooks' Robin Hood spoof movie where Prince John tells the Sheriff of Rottingham "Huh! Wait a minute. I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the bad news in a good way, it won't sound so bad."  I seem to live by this code.  I would rather smile and laugh then give into emotion.  To me, emotionality defies rationality--this principle only holds for myself for some reason; I have no problem with others being emotional.  Usually when other people are crying or being emotional, my next instinct reaction after comforting them is attempting to make them laugh.  I think it's a self-preservation thing.

Smiles are my concrete wall.  They don't necessarily have to be my smiles because I tend to fall under the category of pensive and melancholic more than joyful and triumphant.  Abby, one of my good friends, is never short of smiles.  She could make a room of stuffy business executives roll on the floor.  It's the kind of presence she has, the kind that lights up a room, that buffers my wall.  Thankfully, I have a lot of those kinds of friends who, whether consciously or subconsciously, smile consistently and drag smiles from others.

These people remind me of a character in an anime called Baccano named Elmer Albatross.  He claims to have absolutely no idea what happiness is or if it can ever be achieved, but he strives to make all the people he knows happy by going around and smiling himself while constantly begging to see his comrades smiles.    Yes, I often compensate with humor and smiles, but that's more from being being a pragmatist than an optimist.  Smiles may be my wall, but I often don't smile when I'm alone.  I don't smile for myself.  I'm not as optimistic as Elmer, but sometimes it just seems healthier to think that way.

While watching an episode from the first season of Glee on Netflix with my mom tonight, I heard a song I forgot that Glee did a cover of.  It was "Smile," originally written by Charlie Chapman.  Listening to this song inspired this whole tirade, so here's the YouTube video for the Glee version. Life is full of joyful and hilarious moments, but it's still life, and sometimes it hurts just a bit too much.  I vote that we stage a peaceful protest and just smile.

There's NO Tomorrow!

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
creeps in this petty pace from day to day." - Macbeth

The day has finally come.  It's May 21, 2011, and according to some people, today would be the perfect day for the rapture to come.  Since it's only 7:50am, I think I'll give them a break for the time being because, who knows, the rapture might happen by time zones.  Too bad I don't know whether or not the people in Europe are still there.  It's almost 11am on the east coast, and my friends that live in Pennsylvania seem to be on Earth still.

If you couldn't assume from my slightly satiric tone, I honestly don't believe that the rapture will happen today.  I'm not even necessarily sure that when the second coming of Christ happens, it will be like the modern American church's notion of "rapture" that happens.  Honestly though, I haven't spent years attempting to find an answer; I'm too busy finding answers to questions that seem more pertinent then when life will suddenly end--like what anime to watch with Brenda today, whether I should put on socks, and how the hell I'm gonna not go mad living at home again.

Most of my theological/philosophical Jenn-thought (personal thought that comes from yours truly) rejects the notion of rapture or even some divine end where agency is stripped of us.  I don't have answers, nor do I completely deny what it says in the book of Revelation--though I think I may be able to understand it more while high on acid that at my mental prime.  I think it's the same Jenn-thought that makes me reject the whole May 21st end of the world thing.

But what if it was true?  Obviously, someone has to believe in this "end" that's going to happen today.  Obviously, someone has spent a lot of time, energy, and money in order to perpetuate a belief that the world will end today.  I don't necessarily know if the man who predicted this "end" really believes it or if he is being persuaded by ye olde capitalism.  I'm pretty sure, however, that regardless of whether or not my immediate reaction is to laugh and think that this is completely bogus and that the people who believe it are crazy or unintelligent, they are still people.

I don't know what their lives are like; I don't know if these people are actually very intelligent and all of this "end" talk makes sense to them, especially considering the world state.  Hasn't even the modern American church kind of recognized that "the end is coming"...and hasn't that end been imminent since even before Israel won it's independence.   I've heard "the rapture will happen soon" from so many different churches since  I began going to church.  I still here it.  So...even if I don't cease to exist today because of a May 21st rapture...I recognize that at least those who believe in the May 21st end had the balls to put a date on it.

No one knows what tomorrow will hold.  I don't think that means that tomorrow is scripted or that some divinity has planned out my life, but I do think it means that no one knows what choices are to be made, what choices other people have to make, and what all of that will mean for tomorrow.  For all I know, this may be my last day on earth, this may be your last day on earth, this may be the end of the world.  Either way, I'm not going to be complacent.  I'm not going to say that because the rapture is imminent or will happen on May 21, 2011 I'm going to just wait because it doesn't matter, or completely devote my existence to waiting/studying for/about some end.  That's a waste of whatever time I have left.

Even if I knew without any doubt that today was the end, or that tomorrow is, or the next day, or ten years from now, I would still want to live out today without resigning myself to an "end" by saying something like "I can't wait for Christ to take us away" or "May 21st is judgment day!"  In my mind, both are equally and even painfully dull.  I don't want to wait for anything.  I want to get out. Go. Do. Be. Live.

Quotes, Quotes, Quotes

So, I've been watching this new anime called Sgt. Frog that's about these alien frogs who try to take over the Pekapon race, aka. Earthlings.  It's a comedy meant to provide social commentary about everything.  It isn't politically correct.  It's hilarious.  In lieu of posting anything really intelligent or philosophical, I decided to input-vomit all over everyone.  Besides, finals week is coming up and laughing is good for de-stressing.

"I will not fail you, milady.  My mustache is too huge for failure."

"I know how addictive power can be.  My mustache attests to that"











Momoka, a Pecaponian:  She is completely in love with a teenage boy named Fuyuki.  Most of her quotes have to do with him.

"Matching Pins, he really does want to grow old together"

[While in a dreamlike trance]
Momoka: Here's my heart.  I put it in a sack so it won't leak.
Dream-Fuyuki: Yes! I love your heart, and I shall keep it in the fridge.










Fuyuki, a Pecaponian: cute little boy obsessed with the Paranormal.
Natsumi, a Pecaponian: Fuyuki's older sister who likes sports and beating up on alien frogs.

Kululu: Valkyrie one and Valkyrie two have penetrated the Sergent's orifice.
Fuyuki: You know, he could have said it another way.
Natsumi: Yea, but it sounds funnier this way.




Keroro: So is it normal to almost die while on spring break?
Fuyuki: Yeah, totally!  It happens on CSI all the time!












Keroro, an alien frog: Main character of the series.  His rank is a sergent and he heads up the team for the Pekopan invasion.  He's kind of an idiot, but endearing in many ways.

"A good sergeant has to have two things: blood lust and the ability to cook gourmet meals for his troops"

[After being told that he may be caught by the Men In Black and turned into frog leg soup] "I'm too awesome to be soup!"

[When locked inside a toy-store after it closed] "In the darkened toy store of the enemy, my extreme strength was no match for the burglary proof gate.  I looked everywhere for a way out.  On top of things, below things, around things, inside of things.  I was completely out of prepositions, so I decided to do the only sensible thing and wait for death"

[While watching an anime where a man saves his girlfriend] "Strange how the power of love for his girlfriend turns him into a flaming rainbow."

"My God, this is serious.  Get me a fruit roll-up!  I need to think!"











This to the right is Tamama.  He is an alien frog that serves under Sergent Keroro.  He's adorable and has a split personality, ranging from cute adorable cannon fodder to demon possessed.  Unfortunately for him, the frog team uses him to do all the grunt work...and as cannon fodder.

[They're at the beach for spring break and Keroro runs into the water without understanding that it's salt water; he dries out]
Tamama: Did you read my report?
Keroro: You know that I won't read them if you don't put funny quotes in them"
Tamama: Sorry Sir.  Next time I'll try to make salt water more fun.

RANDOM CHARACTERS!!!

In this one episode there are these helocopter guys that yell this:
"You have ten seconds to vacate the premises before we start shooting for fun!"

The Narrator is hilarious.  He breaks the fourth wall and questions everything that goes on.  It's very meta-fictionesque.
"The rain and humidifiers turned the room into a climate only inhabitable by mosquitos and floridians"
"The great lord of terror is a chick.  Does that make the Frenchy Astrologer [Nostradamus] a feminist or a misogynist.  Really, it's a thin line"


















Giroro, alien frog:  This frog is my favorite.  He has a serious case of blood-lust, bringing out his guns and bombs for even the slightest task.  He has no sympathy for wimps or idiots (especially Keroro, who is both).  This frog has a secret crush on Natsumi because she is a warrior maiden.  He continuously fantasizes about her stripping down a machine gun, putting it back together, and then destroying another alien race.  He also loves cooking curry, synchronized swimming, and taking care of puppys, kittens, and flowers.


[After a space alien came down to suck all the moisture out of Keroro's body] "All niororo [the space alien] does is drain our bodily fluids.  It's very anticlimactic...and gross"

"I'd be laughing my head off right now if I were capable of joy"

"When you're pushed, killing is as easy as breathing"

"You should know by now that I only laugh at pain, and it's about it get real funny"


And all of this only from the first 12 episodes.  Intense.  Anyways, I hope I brightened someone's day like this show brightened mine!

Thinking Is Overrated

"...................................What is a man,
If his chief good and market of his time
Be but to sleep and feed? A beast, no more.
Sure, he that made us with such large discourse,
Looking before and after, gave us not
That capability and godlike reason
To fust in us unused. Now, whether it be
Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple
Of thinking too precisely on the event—
A thought which, quarter'd, hath but one part wisdom
And ever three parts coward—I do not know
Why yet I live to say 'This thing's to do,'
Sith I have cause, and will, and strength, and means
To do't. Examples gross as earth exhort me." -Hamlet

"'But I'll tell you something else, Charlie."  I said and backed away from the mirror.  'I'm not your friend.  I'm your enemy.  I'm not going to give up my intelligence without a struggle.  I cant go back down into the cave.'" - Flowers For Algernon

I have a serious dislike for thinking.  Often my brain will decide to shut down and I'll do and say crazy (often vulgar, disrespectful, and profane) things that would normally never come out of my mouth on purpose; then I lose all memory of those few unfiltered brain-dead moments of bliss.  I think it's how my mind copes with always thinking "to precisely on the event."  Mind mind is constantly moving and is constantly in search of some type of stimulation.  I hate this.  Mostly I hate this because it means that there is no "off" button and my mind keeps going and going and going and going until it overloads, there is a an internal core meltdown, and I suffer the shut down mentioned above.

A famous philosopher once said that "I think; therefore, I am."  One one level I appreciate the deep philosophical ideas that this brings up.  My thoughts about the world and myself alter my perception of the world and myself.  My existence on this earth hinges on my ability to rationalize my experiences and ideologies, which is very true to some extent.  If I wasn't capable of thought, I might walk off a cliff thinking that I could fly because I had seen birds do the same thing.  Okay, that may be a bit extreme, but as an analogy it works.  The things I do and the ways in which I act make up how I live my life and, by extension, my being.

There's a popular joke in nerd circles concerning the philosopher who wrote the quote in the paragraph above:  Descartes walks into a bar and sits down on one of the bar-stools.  The bartender comes over, polishing a glass with a white cloth and asks Descartes, "Would you like a glass of Absinthe, sir?"  Descartes shakes his head and says, "I think not," and before he got a chance to ask for just a simple glass of wine he disappeared.

Yes, hardy har har har.  This joke makes fun of the "I think;therefore, I am" principle, and this leads into the other level where I hate this quote and can't stand it.  I just DON'T want to think sometimes.  If my existence hinges on my ability to rationalize, then I feel like sometimes it might be nice to not be able to think at all.  I think part of the reason that I wish I was back in Kindergarten, other than being able to have naptime, is that all I was ever really worried about was learning the alphabet, understanding how to count, and coloring inside the lines.  As an adult, I don't have this luxury, not many of us do.

Anytime something happens I have to rationalize it.  I'm a pragmatist.  I don't see the glass as half empty as half full.  If someone is filling up the glass and then asks me "Is this half empty or half full?," I will automatically say that it is half full because the action that was being enacted upon the glass was "filling."  If someone emptied out the glass and asked the same question, I would say that it was half empty because of the same reason.  If I came across a glass on the table, I would say it is half empty because some of the water may have evaporated; therefore, the primary action would still be "to empty."

I have to say that tall of this is one of the things I seriously dislike about myself.  I dislike having to think through everything.  I can't be spontaneous;  I have to input whatever I can and then spew it out to whomever I can;  I can't sleep through the night without waking up or having a night terror unless I have a Tylenol P.M. or, more recently, Xanex; I can't be emotional and selfish until I sort through every detail of a shitty situation with a fine-toothed comb.  Can I get an "Amen?!"

Yet, through all of this, I know that I am a thinking being.  It makes my existential heart happy to know that I can exist and breath in and out, but that my often overactive mind gives me my being, my life.  It's times like this, moments where I make an interesting connection between my favorite anime voice actors or with the possible uses of a chainsaw, where I thank God that I am who I am and, despite how hard thinking is sometimes and how much I wish I could shut up my mind and be selfish and emotional and spontaneous, that I am able to think complex thoughts, to thrive mentally and talk about art, history, literature, movies, and music with intelligence.  For that ability, the ability to observe the world and "think to precisely on the event,"  I can stand occasionally shutting down and make unknown witty and somewhat horrid remarks.

Spelunking

Just some writing...

Katie and Aaron were stuck. Not an existential stuck, but quite physically stuck. Aaron pulled his legs closer to him, forcing himself to be curl into the fetal position as Katie was bent over him, her cheek resting on the top of his head, and her sunlight blond hair hanging into his face. Katie was arched over against what felt like a rock wall, her back rounded like a cat that was pissed off and ready to hiss at anything. Aaron was sitting there, thinking to himself that this would be a preferred position if they were on a comfortable bed or even a couch, but as they were trapped in some tiny space in a cave it sucked. Katie and Aaron were stuck.

“How did this happen?” Katie sighed, her breathing strangled as her rib cage expanded into Aaron’s knee. She couldn’t even breathe effectively because Aaron’s long legs were in the way. She glared across from her at the opening into the larger area of the cave, heaving another giant sigh, “This is all your fault.”

“Me? You were the one who signed us up for this stupid trip.” Aaron tried to shift his head out from under Katie’s only to have her head fall onto his shoulder.

“You’re the one who took us down this rabbit hole.” Katie responded. Aaron could hear her teeth grind in anger, almost like the sound of a steamroller pounding rocks into a pot-hole.

It was true. He was the one who decided that it would be fun to investigate the small hole in the back of the cave. “It’ll be just like crawling through the tunnels at the McDonalds playground.” He had told her. It would have been, except for the fact that the two of them were much older and, therefore, much larger than when they were children. Aaron shrugged at the thought.

“Stop moving,” she grumbled as his shoulder knocked her nose then mumbling under her breath, “Idiot”

Yes, he thought, he really was an idiot.

“Do you think that the group would hear us if we yelled for them?” Katie tried to shift her body so that she wasn’t arched over him. He could tell that not only was this position making her physically uncomfortable, but having his face that close to her chest was not only uncomfortable for her but also disgusting.

“I doubt it. We will probably die here.”

“Not funny.”

Aaron chucked, thinking that her growl sounded more like that of a koala cub rather than a ferocious mama lion. They had traveled so far into the cave that, realistically, there was no way that anyone from the main group could find them. Eventually they would have to try and get out of this position, which would prove to be very difficult unless she voluntarily decided to get a little closer to him.

“Heaven forbid,” he whispered, listening to the sarcasm of his voice as it seemed dripped down the wall.

IIIII

“Hey! Katie! Over here!” Aaron screamed as he waved his small arms.

Katie was running full speed towards him through the grass, the wind whipping her tiny blond pigtails behind her like they were each a small kite. Aaron smiled through a small laugh as he began to climb the large cedar tree that he was sitting next to.

“Wait for me Aaron!” Katie’s small voice called as she caught up to him, looking up at the tall tree with her eyes wide open, “I…I…I don’t wanna climb that.” She pointed up at the large tree, her finger shaking.

“It isn’t that scary!” Aaron rolled his eyes, leaping onto the branch in a sitting position, staring down at the little girl in from of him, “Girl’s are stupid” he continued to grumble.

“I hate you!” Katie spat at him before turning around and stomping back towards the house. Aaron thought that he should call her back as his small face fell, ashamed at what he had said, though he really thought it was true.



IIIII

Katie was afraid of everything he liked, which made him think that she just couldn’t stand being near him. One time he had collected a jar of spiders and was so excited to show them to her but when he did show her, Katie screamed and hit the jar away from her. It had landed in the floor and broken. Some of the spiders had escaped but Aaron, picking up the broken glass in his hand, realized that the majority of the spiders had been crushed and killed by the glass that had caved in on them except for one. The small spider, which had an almost emerald tinge to its fur, was stuck under a small piece of glass, its legs flailing wildly. He felt like that spider now as he rolled his eyes to the side, glancing at Katie’s head on his shoulder.

“Have I ever told you how much I hate you?” Katie groaned as she moved her head to the side. Aaron could feel her warm breath on his neck as she spoke, and it made his hair stand on end.

“Yes, you’ve made it very clear how much you hate me on numerous occasions. If I could disappear from the world without a trace, I am sure that you would kick up your heels and sing.” Aaron tried to force out sarcasm, but he was certain that his attempt failed when he felt Katie’s head relax a little bit more into his. He wasn’t sure whether to feel comforted or unnerved by that movement.

“Do you think that they are ever going to find us?” Katie asked, her voice sounding like a lost child in a supermarket asking the clerk where her parents were. Aaron smiled at her change in tone towards him.

“I am pretty sure that they left the cave already,” Aaron looked down at his watch and shrugged, being careful not to over emphasize the gesture as to not disturb her head too much. “Maybe when the bus gets back to the hotel they will notice we aren’t with them. In the meantime there is no reason we shouldn’t get comfortable” He placed his hands around her waist to try and pull her around and towards him.

“Get your hands off of me!” Katie screamed and her body recoiled like a spring, her back hitting the wall and her leg smashing down on his, an audible crack sounding in the tiny hole.

IIIII

Aaron watched Katie sweep off the porch as he mended the fence for her father. He had been working for Katie’s family this year, their first year in middle school. Her mom had just passed away a year ago and her father worked two jobs just to support them. Saturdays were always nice because he would come over and help Katie’s father do heavy labor while Katie maintained her mother’s porch garden.

“Hey, Aaron, come here and help me lift this!” Katie demanded. Aaron threw down the hammer by the pile of wood and nails and began walking towards the porch.

“Honey, look out!” Aaron heard her father scream from the roof as a clay roof tile slid towards the lip of the gutter and off of the roof. He felt like it was falling in slow motion as Aaron ran towards Katie, grabbing her around the middle and forcing her out of the way, her body falling back onto his left wrist. A surge of pain shot through his entire arm as he felt the bone in his wrist snap as it hit the wooden floor of the porch, Katie’s shoulder sandwiching it in.

“Thanks.” Katie shook the dizziness from her head, realizing that Aaron was still hanging onto her, “Get off of me! Do you think that you’re some kind of hero? Off!” Katie stood up, smacking him away from her and walking inside.

“Girls, no one ever understands them.” Katie’s father yelled down to Aaron, shaking his head. Aaron hoped that Katie’s father would have a talk to his daughter about this. He had practically saved her from having her head split open by a piece of the roof, and all she did was get angry at him! Aaron became so frustrated that he chose to ignore the throbbing of his wrist and went back to work. He worked quietly, but his movements were sharp as he slammed down the hammer on the fencing, imagining that the post was Katie’s head.

“Aaron.” A small voice squeaked out behind him. He turned, only to be met by Katie’s large brown eyes, and her small hands holding out an envelope, a chocolate chip cookie on top, “I…I’m sor…I sure hope your hand is okay.”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Aaron rolled his eyes. Why couldn’t she have just said sorry and gotten over herself. He grabbed the letter and the cookie, nodded “thanks” and stormed out of the property only to hide behind one of the large cedar trees to watch her. She had her head cradled in her hands and her shoulders were palpating with the sobs he knew were coming from her great big eyes.

“Damnit” Aaron grumbled as he left, ignoring his mother berating him about not coming home sooner when he had hurt his wrist, ignoring her talking while driving him to the hospital, ignoring the doctor telling him it was broken with multiple stress fractures because he did work with a broken wrist, and thankfully getting a chance to ignore the world once he was put under anesthesia so that they could put nails in his wrist.

IIIII

“Aaron…Aaron are you okay?” Katie had repositioned herself, sitting with her back on the wall to his right, her legs under his, and the possible broken leg on top of her lap.

“Ouch. Woman, stop that” Aaron growled as she began to pull up his pant leg. He didn’t know what she was expecting to see, considering it was already dark in the cave to begin with.

“Don’t call me “woman,” idiot.”

“That’s that second time you called me an idiot. At least calling you a woman isn’t untrue.”

“Neither is calling you and idiot.” Katie glared at him, “Give me the wrap on your wrist.”

“Remember when you broke my wrist back in middle school? The doctor said that anytime I did something stressful like, I don’t know, climbing in a cave, I would need to wrap it up.” Aaron spat bitterly at her.

“You aren’t climbing now so hand it over.” Katie looked at him like he was a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti, ready to be pounced on and devoured by a sadistic lioness who just killed for the sheer enjoyment of it. He consented to her glare and unwrapped the bandage from his wrist, handing it to her and stifling groans of pain as she began to twist it around his leg.

“What time do you think it is?” Aaron asked as he leaned his weight even harder against the wall behind him, fatigue suddenly hitting him.

“Well we started spelunking at eight this morning and it has had to have been at least two hours so far. Everyone was planning on heading back to the hotel around ten and you already said that they probably left.” Katie answered his questions without any anger or pretense, her voice completely serious.

IIIII

She looked so beautiful, walking into the Olive Garden in her velour emerald green dress. Her hair was hanging in wavy locks over her shoulder. Every step she took towards him made his heart pound even faster than it had while he was nervously waiting for her to arrive.

“Hey,” She said softly as she reached the table and smiled down at him. Bolting upright like a rocket he stood and pulled the chair out for her, sitting down across from her once she had slid the off-white shawl from her shoulders.

“You look amazing.” Aaron swallowed, smiling once the nervousness had seemed to pass. They had great conversation during dinner, and the actual dance went better than he had expected. His two left feet swung Katie around the dance floor, her laughter ringing in his ears like the pealing of a bell.

On the ride home Katie couldn’t stop talking about the night that they had had together and how nice it was to see everyone together one last time before graduation. They were going to colleges on different ends of the country, so these last moments were important for him, like the last few seconds of a game when everything rests on the toe of one player kicking the ball into the goal. As he pulled up to the side of her house Aaron breathed in as much air as he could, getting ready to speak.

“Hey, your Mom is here!” Katie said before Aaron could even form words, jumping out of the car. Aaron’s head twitched to the side, he blinked, and then stepped out of the car to his red haired mother coming out of the door, arm in arm with Katie’s father.

“Mom, what are you doing here?” Aaron asked as he walked up next to Katie, grabbing her hand in his.

“Aaron,” Katie turned her head into his, her lips brushing his ear as she whispered, “You didn’t know?”

IIIII

“Aaron,” Katie nudged his shoulder to wake him from staring aimlessly. He shook his head and looked her in the eyes, “What were you thinking about?”

“Prom.” He responded shortly. A lot of things had happened between them since they were in high school. Life had seemed like a soft breeze, but had quickly turned into a howling wind.

“That was an interesting night. I still can’t believe that you didn’t know our parents were dating. Dad knew that she was waiting to tell you until the right moment; I guess it ended up okay though.”

“Yeah, it was okay.” Aaron nodded.

“Katie! Aaron! Are you guys alright?!” A deep voice echoed through the cave wall, two bright circles shining into the small alcove.

“Besides the fact that I have been stuck with this idiot for the past few hours, I’m doing fine. He broke his leg though.” Katie said, trying to maneuver around him so that she didn’t touch his leg, which he was appreciative of.

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who landed on it!”

“Aaron, why can’t you be nice to her once in a while?” Aaron cringed as he heard his mother’s voice berate him, her red hair just visible in the small tunnel.

“Yeah. I knew there was a reason I never wanted a brother!” Katie turned and stuck her tongue out as she was pulled out of the small niche in the cave by his mother.

“Well, I never wanted a sister!” He yelled back as his mother’s piercing glaze shot at him as she grabbed his wrist and began to pull. I definitely didn’t want Katie as a sister; he thought to himself again, gingerly dragging his broken leg behind him, “By the way, we are never going Spelunking again!”

Kix are for Kids...but so is Grammar

"I know it well, I read it in the grammar long ago" - Titus Andronicus

Reading cereal boxes as a kid is the reason so many adults do not know proper grammar!  I finally figured it out!

I bought some Kix yesterday because I ran out of Corn Flakes and needed another cereal.  While at Fresh n' Easy I decided that I didn't want an "adult" cereal and decided for Kix because if any of us watched T.V. as children, we know that "Kix are for kids, and they taste great too!"  This was my first problem with the cereal.  Kix are for Kids could be grammatically correct if the company is talking about the multiple little tiny corn-puffs in the bowl since "kix" is both plural and singular at the same time (we don't have one kix and many kixes).  In this case it's grammatically correct because a plural noun is followed by a plural verb, which "are" is. 

Here comes the problem...
If the company is talking about their product instead, as in the brand name "Kix" with a capital "K," instead of the individual bowl of cereal, then the grammar is wrong.  Brand names are collective nouns, which means that they get singular verbs.  We don't say "Petco are" or "Silly Putty are" because it's ungrammatical.  If the company meant their product, then the slogan should be "Kix is for Kids," which they wouldn't want to do because the two /s/ sounds in a row would be hard for kids to pronounce, making the product less kid friendly, ultimately making it less profitable.  Linguistically it makes sense; grammatically it doesn't.

Yet, that is not the end of the grammar lesson.  On the back of the box in big print it says "Great KIX Taste = Happy Kids."  Because most of us are used to these kinds of slogans, we understand immediately what is trying to be said: "Kix cereal tastes really good, so buying it will make you (or your kids) happy."  However, when said out loud this sentence could be devastating. "Great KIX taste equals happy kids."  By definition Equal when used as a verb means "to be or become equal to."  The latter definition fits alright: "Greak KIX taste becomes happy kids," but it doesn't make sense; we would never say it.  Besides, it sounds like the taste of the cereal somehow becomes a living being and creates a happy child.

The real problem is when we use the first part of the definition: the "to be."  We're used to this verb in mathematical equations.  2+2=4 will become "two plus two equals four" or "two plus two is four."  Let's apply the same  mathematical principle as well as the dictionary definition to our Kix equation: "Greak Kix taste is happy kids."  I hope you see the problem in this.  Unless the company is condoning cannibalism in the very real Sweeney Todd fashion, then the sentence is ungrammatical.  If they meant the actual grammar to be correct and send a message to those eating the cereal that "is happy kids," then I just had myself a breakfast full of child. Bon appitit!

I Pack a Chainsaw

"The violent delights have violent ends" - Romeo and Juliet

The other evening one of my lovely roommates was looking online for a toy chainsaw to give to me.  One of my favorite weapons is a chainsaw (a chain scythe is also a favorite of mine), and much of the times I've been aggravated or frustrated I have expressed to my roommates and friends that I desired a chainsaw.  I should qualify this desire by saying that I would never actually use it on something that is living, but just the sheer ability to break something into thousands of pieces by moving a machine with rapidly spinning blades connected to a chain just sounds fun.

Anger is really something that American culture doesn't do very well.  We get angry, we treat people like shit, and then we move along on our grumble-filled way.  Many people become violent, punching everything from pillows, to walls, to their families.  This isn't the best way to vent, obviously, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't feel good.

Facebook used to have an application called Flair (I have no idea if they still do) and you used to be able to use points to purchase a virtual button that had a saying on it.  One of the flair that I collected, one that was also on the list of top purchased, said "Why is it illegal to stab stupid people?"   I thought that this was hilarious because everyone has come up with someone who is so idiotic that only a quick jab with a box-cutter might cure them of their stupidity.  While this is a sad statement to admit, I've been there.  I'm sure you've been there too.

 Violent games, television shows and movies are somewhat to blame with our cultures disassociation with violence, but it is probably also a culprit for not being allowed to express anger in a violent manner.  I can't speak for everyone else, but sometimes it seems like the only way to cope with certain situations that frustrate me to the boiling point is to break something. 

When I was seven or eight years old I remember my cousin jumping off the top bunk of my bed and onto my Barbie house on purpose.  Both of us ran crying to my parents, my cousin blamed me, and because she was three years younger than me, I was blamed for destroying my own toy.  I got so mad that I ran back upstairs into my room, yanked a glass framed Aladdin poster from the wall, and slammed it on the ground, shattering the glass.  Of course I got in trouble for both, but I didn't care because that one simple violent act dissolved my anger.

Another time, probably sometime in 6th grade, a few girls were seriously bullying one of my friends after school.  I walked right up to the three of them and punched the leader of the bullying in the stomach.  Once she fell to the ground in tears and gasping for air, her friends took off.  Yes, I got detention, but seeing my friend being hurt angered me to the point where words wouldn't have done anything.

Sometimes being younger has its advantages in that respect.  If a high school boy slugs a guy for cutting in front of him there is no doubt that he will get in trouble, but a lot of the physicality of the fight will be chalked up to him being a post-pubescent testosterone-laden juvenile.  Interestingly enough, a similar situation happening at the parking lot of a bar would be regarded the same, except for possible alcohol involvement.

I'm not advocating physical violence against human beings--by no means!--but I feel like our culture doesn't provide sufficient enough outlets for any show of physical anger.  In Japan there a establishments where people can rent a room, a specific weapon good for smashing things, and a various amount of dishware and other breakable objects.  This just sounds so much fun and such a stress reliever to me.  Anyone else up for a trip to Japan?  Seriously.

After doing a quick search for crime rate statistics I found that per capita, the united states has 80.0645 crimes per 1,000 people while Japan  only has 19.9886 crimes per 1,000 people.  While I'm sure that there are other cultural factors that weigh int these statistics, perhaps anger management is one of them.  Accepting the violent tendencies of humanity and giving an outlet for them rather than suppressing anger to the point that one has nothing but other humans to take their anger out on once they reach the end of their fuse.

Thankfully, I have a very long fuse.  My anger moves on a five level continuum: 1) Frustrated, 2) Mad, 3) Apathetic, 4) Pissed, and 5) Angry.  I've probably only been at the fifth stage three or four times in my life, two of those times are accounted above, and this is a good thing.   Recently a plethora of crap has been happening that has situated me freely moving in between levels three and four.  I feel like the songs "I Can't Decide" by the Scissor Sisters, "They're Coming to Take Me Away" by NeuroticFish, and "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit have been my anthems.  The third song listed contains multiple references to a chainsaw, which I approve of (although there are other things about the song that make me cringe).

I feel like it would be better, for me and for other people, to just be able to break stuff when we feel angered to the point of violence.  Gathering a bunch of foam mattresses  in the middle of a field and being able to hack at them with a chainsaw or other weapon of choice would definitely be more conducive to everyone's overall well-being rather then taking unbridled anger out on something that's alive, right?

P.S.  If anyone finds a plushie chainsaw let me know because that would be so totally amazing.  Couldn't you just imagine how adorable a little fluffy chainsaw would be?  So frickin' cute!